Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
