hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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