The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Well I just put wine in my tea
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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