I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
