everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I did not marry a roomba.
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