You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
i've created a new STD.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
