I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
