My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
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