is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
