So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
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