Will you blow on my dice?
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
