I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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