we have officially lost it.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
