Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
