How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
