you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
