She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
