A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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