Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
