I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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