I need to stop coming to work sober
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
