this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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