I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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