I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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