I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Randomize
