Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Randomize
