There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
