I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize