Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
