Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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