Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
