I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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