Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
