So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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