So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
