Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
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