KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
