i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
