Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
