I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
