You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
