I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
