Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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