The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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