since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
