Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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