I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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