i will never coherently bang her
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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