dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
