my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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