i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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