Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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