hotel room ftw
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
