Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You left your phone here
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