haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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