Do you still have your period?
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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