Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
