so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
