what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
