Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
can u get pink eye on your cock?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
