fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Randomize
