my mouth tastes like poor choices
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
