What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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